No One's Listening

Hey all!

Yesterday I updated my blog with a post about abuse against men. You can read it HERE. But today it's not about that, although it has a gist of what it's about. It's about being alone. Solitude is the worst punishment you can ever give a sane person. If you didn't know, it used to be a form of torture, and is still used as a disciplinary method for criminals. You know what it does? It makes you go crazy. Especially over a long period of time. Now what happens if that solitude is inside you, clawing at your insides, eating you up, drowning you in agony? Pretty scary, huh?

You know what it feels like? It feels hopeless, helpless, like no one cares. You don't feel like talking because you're scared you might blurt out your deepest, darkest secrets if you do. It's so hard to hitch a smile on your face and you don't feel like ever laughing any more, because the world just stopped being funny when the jokes were about you. You feel like even your best friends have turned on you, and you're completely, utterly alone. You feel like you don't know who you are any more, feel like you're merely existing, not living.

You go every day hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe someone might notice you and the hurt you carry inside. Hoping, but not anticipating. But the moment someone talks to you, you clam up and draw further into yourself because you don't know how to respond to the sudden, unexpected attention. You're scared to look at people in the eye because you think they might see your agony in your eyes, no matter how desperate you are for someone to care. You cry yourself to sleep every night and wake up groggy with your cheeks sticky from dried tears that soaked your pillow. You literally feel your heart breaking and bleeding from every single hurtful thing someone says to you, even though it was something so small that it would have rolled off others' backs unnoticed but for you it stabs and lodges itself into your already bleeding heart. You refuse to watch romantic drippy movies because you know you'll end up crying watching happy couples onscreen even though it's fake. You wake up the next day thinking you've dried up your crying wells and you feel relieved for a while, until the next crap hits you and gets your waterworks on again.

That feeling, the helplessness is what solitude feels like. You feel alone and the whole world is against you. It's not something you ask for, but it stays with you like a black shadow over all the brightness in life. The worst part is, I knew how horrible it feels like but when I saw my best friend suffering the same way, I shunned her aside. I covered up well, but she didn't, I think she couldn't. I noticed how alone she was, especially after we lost our other best friend. I hated seeing myself in her, so I distanced myself away from her. I regret and will always regret not reaching out to her when I could. I knew she was in pain, I saw her wiping away tears, but I didn't say anything because I was scared I'd spill everything to her. After I opened up to someone and felt better, I despised seeing her still so depressed because I was scared I'd be drawn into the void of blackness again. You know what could have happened if I'd fucked up and fell off the wagon? The photo is self-explanatory.

That feeling is what I would not wish on anybody no matter how much I hated that person. Even if you tell someone, they just don't fucking care! They think this stuff only happens in movies. They're scared of the idea that it's real, that people DO suffer like this. Out of sight, out of mind and all that. You know what? You're wrong. These people need help, and it could be as simple as an offer of a shoulder to lean on. The more you ignore it, the more it grows and manifests itself. Don't intrude. Just sit and talk to them. Even if they don't respond, they'll gradually warm up to you and feel better. You know what they'd feel like? They'd feel like finally, they're not alone anymore. They can stand tall and look at everyone in the eye and feel secure in the knowledge that yes, they're worth something, and that something counts in the world. 

So after you read this, go up to that 'emo' kid and talk to them. A simple 'hi' and an honest smile would brighten them up a little. Not much, but enough to get them through the day at least. Every drop in the bucket counts. 'Hi' and smile. That's it. Simple enough, so go do it. 

I've said my piece, so that's that. To all the people who think that you're utterly alone in the world, you're right. You are alone. But having someone to talk to turns every uphill battle into a mere trifle. It might be hard to finally open up to people, but trust me on this. It feels like the weight of the world has been lifted off your shoulders. 

To my dear angel, bestie Angle, thank you for listening to me. You made every day full of laughter and jokes and even though you didn't know it, you helped me come out of my darkness and learn to be happy again.

To my other bestie, Hani, I'm sorry you had to go through so much shit and I chose not to be there for you. I'm here for you now, and intend to keep it that way, as long as you want me to be. 

I love the both of you, and I don't know what I did to be so lucky to find you guys. The day we were arranged to sit together in Form 4 is one day I'll never forget. Even though we've lost one person, I know you guys will always be there for me and rest assured you can count on me. 

Bye Edibadie!

Lots of Love, Rox <3